Ada apa dengan cinta?

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It has been two years since my last relationship and I can honestly say that I have never felt so genuinely happy. Don’t get me wrong, there are still moments when I feel a slight pang that there is something ‘wrong’ with me since I’ve been single for so long. But in reality, everything is going oh so right. Alhamduliah. Nonetheless, there is nothing wrong with being in a relationship and there is nothing wrong with being single (N.B: In the Malay and Indonesian culture it is more ‘acceptable’ to have a boyfriend/girlfriend).

I’ve talked about love in the past especially in my Paua series but even though I haven’t been in love for a while, I now have a deeper understanding of what love is and what I need personally. Of course, I won’t be sharing what my ‘list’ is. But I do want to share what being single has taught me.

I am love. For the past two years, I have been learning on how to love myself. Rather than seeking love externally, I cultivated it within myself. I made affirmations daily. I focused on myself and being the greatest and authentic version of myself. I formed a relationship with myself. I treated myself to how I wanted to be treated. I gave myself my own undivided attention and I appreciated my own growth. When you love yourself, you also have so much more love to give. And how can you truly love someone if you can’t even love yourself? Besides, there are so many other people that love you like your family and friends.

I’m making the most of my youth. Your youth is the best time of your life. Being single for the past two years meant that my life was drama free. I didn’t really have to consider about another person’s feelings or opinion. What mattered was how I felt or thought. I have so much freedom. I have so much fun. I can do whatever I wanted to do, say what I want to say and wear what I want to wear. And I’m enjoying my time with my family and friends. When I’m older, I’m going to look back at photos and see myself achieving amazing things on my own and enjoying my youth with people I will always love.

I have more energy for the dreams and the goals that I have. I remember being in relationships and investing so much of my time and energy. I don’t regret any of my relationships because they have all led me to this point but it made me realise I could achieve so much more if I focus on my dreams and goals in life instead. Because in all honesty, by focusing on myself, my life has manifested beyond my dreams in the past two years. Alhamdulillah.

I am enough. I am whole. And I am worthy. There is nothing missing from me and I have everything that I ever needed. I know my own worth and I don’t need someone to validate it for me. It’s actually an empowering feeling, to feel complete with just yourself. I have never felt so content and calm. And again, I’m so genuinely happy.

This all doesn’t mean that I am too independent and I don’t ‘need’ a man. But I’m not desperate either. I’m just really… chill. I keep telling myself that there is no need to worry or stress over something that is inevitable. Because if it is meant for you, never in a million years will it be for somebody else.

However, I’ve thought about my past relationships, what went wrong and what went right. I’ve learnt from my mistakes and I’ve been trying to ‘fix’ the faults that I had. One thing I know for sure is that I am my own person while the other is their own person too. There is only so much that I can give and what they can give as well.

You have to work on yourself first before being in a relationship. A relationship or marriage won’t fix your problems- in fact there will most likely be more to come. You can’t expect someone to ‘fix’ you or make you happy and you certainly can’t try to change someone, just like how you can’t expect them to change just because they are in a relationship with you.

Be with someone that understands your worth so that they reach your standards. But you need to ask yourself if you are a reflection of your standards as well. There might be some subtle compromises but in the end, you have to be fair on them and accept them for who they are wholeheartedly. Be friends with them first, get to know them on an authentic level, build trust and respect and let it grow with the flow.

 At the end of the day, there is no need to rush into a relationship. And you don’t need to force or chase anything because if they value your worth, they will make the effort. Take your sweet time. Make sure that you are ready and enjoy being single as well as the process. Just remember that someone’s name has already been written next yours. When the time is right, nothing in this world can stop it from happening. InsyaAllah.

Nurul Shamsul