numb are the tips of my fingers,

from holding onto a piece of thread,

on a night of eerie chills.

silence smothers over me and it

suffocates

every beautiful thought I have ever thought

and born are all the ifs and could have been.

fire ignites

with every inhale of my regrets,

so I ask for forgiveness and cough out the ashes;

as they irritated my heart

and it was itching for mercy.

a plead,

a prayer,

a scream from the heart;

please give me strength as I am too weak.

dew now settles on the ends of my eyelashes

but as I bury my innocence deeper

and deeper,

feathers soak my twilight tawakkul

and I drift towards the horizon. 

Pashmina blended with the softest silk,

It's colour of wine so sweet

But so sinful,

Conceal 

My

Loyalty to God.

Proudly,

It dances in the wind so freely

But secured are

My values,

My identity.

However,

'Modern' is the society.

And 'backwards' is I,

The girl

In the silk pashmina,

Wine red scarf.

But 

Liberated 

I am,

To know I can be

Beautiful 

With just inner beauty

And to

Mystify 

Wonderers of my outer beauty.

So 

Who 

Are 

You

To say I am 'oppressed'?

And

Who

Are

We

To 'believe' the media?

Don't look at me.

Look into me;

For I am a girl

Liberated

With her silk pashmina,

Wine red scarf.

Two steps back,

Regret.

And yet

Love steps in with open arms.

Breathing in the last breath of innocence,

                               Taking it in,

But fearing

                               All at once.

Eyes closes,

                      Acceptance.

Time ticks forward,

Let it

              Stop,

Let me

              Hold onto this moment,

Let it

              Last.

But nothing

                     Ever

                             Does.

Breathing out the guilt formed inside,

      Gasping for mercy,

But desiring

                     For more.

Eyes open,

                     Lust.

Time ticks forward,

Bittersweet silence-

For this

                Is a secret.

A shrug here,

                        A shrug there,

                                                   Shyness.

Two steps away,

Regret.

And yet

Love still waits.

Through the viewfinder,

Your smile

Had shined brighter,

Than the halo

Which follows

Your every step.

I smiled too

Because

You’re beautiful

And I lingered,

To seize

Your beauty.

A moment of infinity

Captured;

A sense of realisation,

Clicked.

Your picture-

No;

Your whole being

Speaks a thousand words,

But I was left

Speechless

In your aura.

And from the longing

Reflected in your eyes,

I saw

And I understood.

You had not smiled

For the camera;

You had

Only

Smiled

For

Me.

A no,

Is a no.

But do my eyes deceive my words?

Have they told the fool so?

To come and follow,

To sit and talk 

On the bench?

I sit on one side,

While the fool sits on the other.

And it feels as if

Oceans are held in the space between.

Seagulls linger in the whistling wind,

The sun swallowed by the glistening water,

A picturesque setting;

Will this be the place

Where it

All

Begins?

But could the fool not see

The swells of the raging waves ahead?

Or 

Could the fool only see 

The light,

From the halo of my 

Innocence?

Don’t be a fool by

Trying to swim,

To float,

Or to sail across the oceans- 

There is an inevitable storm in between. 

Oh you fool;

You will drown in the 

Delusion 

Of happiness,

Of love. 

Just stay where you are,

Safe and unbroken,

On the other side

Of

The bench.

one was so cruel,

the other is so gentle.

one made me cry,

the other makes me smile.

one rarely took notice,

the other calls me beautiful.

one is my soulmate,

the other is too perfect.

one loves another,

the other loves me.

one,

why did you leave?

the other,

please don't stay.

life isn’t full of lemons

& lemonade can be sour

but you keep smiling

through the bitter

& you keep saying 

that everything is sweet

& you look all cool

but you are always feeling cold

& you keep adding 'sugar'

but only to deceive them

as your life is artificial

& your identity isn't real

At first,

her light brown eyes

deceive you,

as they innocently 

glisten in the light,

but in the shadows,

they cloud

with darkness

and mystery.

Confidence speaks 

as her soft long layers,

dance in the wind.

Her cheeks were

kissed

with a touch of rose;

her lips natural,

like her beauty.

Her aura

was like that 

of an angel;

however,

the devil was

once

an angel too. 

I lost you then,

I've lost you now;

Is there any difference?

Sickened I am,

From looking at you face

But love makes me sick;

Thank you for that.

Hurtful you may be,

Still special you are,

But who am I to you?

Forgive me.

I was crying then,

I am smiling now;

And that has made all

The difference.

Sometimes,

I find myself missing you.

Sometimes,

I find myself hating you.

But always,

I find myself loving you. 

I look up,

you look down,

your smile unsettling,

you cheeks kissed 

with red;

you try to hide it,

so that I couldn't see.

But I see 

and understand,

that you have really 

fallen,

for

me. 

because you are you and 

even though your intelligent 

mind- however unmindful it is,

intrigues me; our wavelength and your

neatness, are undoubtly, what

excites me, to be in your sweet presence. 

Thank you Ibu for everything you

Have done. I pray for you health and I ask 

Allah to have mercy towards you, as 

Never have you failed to remind me to keep my faith up and be the best that I can be.

Your selflessness and the love you give

Only makes e more grateful, to have a mother like you. Now I really hope that you

Understand that not only will I love you in this life but I will also love you in the next. 

Each day I take a sip.

It is a sip of eyelash dew.

But each sip is quite different.

Depending on how it is made,

Each sip can be,

Sweet,

Where I savour every drop,

Bitter,

Which stays even when I spit it out,

Strong,

Where it keeps me up all night,

Or weak,

So the taste doesn't last.

Depending on when I take it,

When it's hot,

I burn,

When it's cold,

I freeze,

But when it's just right,

It is soothing.

Now from each sip,

My heart is almost full.

But I keep on sipping,

Until there is nothing left

To feel.

When you look out to the lake or the sea

I hope that it reminds you of the moments of pure bliss,

Where we laughed and we loved and everything in between.

When you watch a sunset or when the sun shines on you

I hope you can still feel the warmth of my love and see my true colours

And I hope that you smile when you do.

I hope you will remember my eyes

The ones you said that were beautiful

The ones that would look at you with big, dark brown eyes and all the love there is

The ones that shed countless of tears

But still had hope. 

I hope that you will cherish me,

Like how I will always cherish you.