Ramadhan Blues

This year’s Ramadhan was a difficult one. There was a lot of travelling, heartbreaks and I was even sick for a week. I really hope that the pain and the sickness was a means to expiate my sins or to alleviate my status. But it also felt like my patience has never been so tested like ever before.

 My patience had been so tested that whenever anything ‘bad’ happens or doesn’t go my way, I still say alhamdulillah. And when something good happens I also say alhamdulillah as well. I know that it is hard to say alhamdulillah during the ‘bad’ things but we don’t know what He is protecting us from or what is yet to come. There is wisdom with everything that is decreed for us. Gratitude or saying alhamdulillah is such a powerful thing as all sources of love, mercy and abundance are from God. And when you are grateful, He will give you more.

In a hadith, it says “What is destined will reach you, even if it be underneath two mountains. What is not destined, will not reach you, even if it be between your two lips!" If God wants to give you something which is good for you, he will give it to you and if He doesn’t he is doing it out of his love and mercy.

Our perception is limited whereas, Allah’s perception and resources are limitless. Only Allah knows best. And sometimes you can pray and pray for something but you are either not ready, or the timing is not right. That is when patience becomes so important. The other day my friend S also told me that there is a Hadith which says if we knew just how much Allah raises us in our ranks when we are patient during difficult times, we would always remain patient and another friend S also told me to turn my heartbreak into an opportunity to become closer to God.

 So in the pain and in the sickness, I tried to be patient and turn to God and fill my heart with the love of Him. And every night, I would have an intimate conversation with God and pour my heart, soul and tears out. But each day when I wake up for suhoor I would still somehow wake up with love and joy for the month of Ramadhan and I try to continue to move forward as best that I can. Because I know that God sees me and that he is listening to me. I know that with hardship comes ease. And that every day is a new day to heal and grow and be happy.

It’s okay to feel. To cry. To be vulnerable. And to be weak. It’s human nature. And it’s what God wants us to do during this Holy month. And during this Ramadhan, I finally realised what it means to be human and to be a servant of the Lord in which I give my life to Him to handle. With every heartbreak, my trust for God actually grew more and more. With every tear, it’s a plead for Him to forgive me and my sins and to feel the sincerity that my soul has for the love of Allah. And with every dua, it is my hope that Allah will guide me to something beautiful.

Nonetheless, this Ramadhan also felt like the fastest that it has ever been and I can’t believe there is only four more days left. I wish that it was longer or that I did more within this Holy Month. This year’s Ramadhan made me realise that there is still so much more that I need to learn about Islam and that there are things that I can also do to be a better Muslimmah. But for this month I’ve tried to read more of the Quran whenever I can and to also do more dhikir as well. I’ve also re-started my alhamdulillah journal so that I know that everything is actually not as bad as it seems and that there are still so many other things to be happy about. I know that they may be small actions but I hope to be consistent in them as I have been told that Allah loves consistency. I have also been told that reading the Quran is how Allah speaks to you and it comforts me that whenever I do read it, He has answered my prayers. Whenever you think that He is far away or that you are lost, Allah is always with you, guiding you and He is closer than you think.

Although this Ramadhan was not how I wanted it to be, it was exactly how Allah had already planned it. With a lot of trails and tribulations. But I trust his plans. And it was beautiful to see how resilient I am than I used to be and that I can continue and smile and even love even in times of pain and suffering. In essence, I believe that this is God’s mercy and his love to make me stronger and content with everything that comes my way. Because if I know that if I can overcome and rise up from what had happened during this Ramadhan, I know that I can overcome anything. InsyaAllah.