Trust the Process
Alhamdulillah, for the past couple of weeks I’ve been attending a Halaqa (religious gathering) on Fridays. After going to weekly religious classes and endless nights at Mukha while in Malaysia, I missed learning about my religion and talking about God with people. Nonetheless, this week our topic was about ‘trust’.
Sometimes trust is the most powerful thing. As human beings, we can feel so much despair and helplessness but it’s the trust in God, the universe, or the process that gets us through. But isn’t that a beautiful thing? To be human? To feel so small? To rely on something greater than yourself?
Lately, I’ve been worried about so many aspects of my life. But this topic of trust made me reflect back on my life.
Five years ago I did a solo trip to Queenstown by myself. I made the decision to not do my exams while studying at Otago University and I went on a trip to help heal myself instead. I remember sitting on a park bench at the Queenstown garden and I wrote in my journal about the fear that I had about my future. Did I make the right decision? What will become of me? Then I looked across and I saw ‘The Remarkables’ and it was truly remarkable. There is still so much beauty and there is still so much hope. I felt so small in the most humblest way possible and the universe is so big but Allah is even Greater. At that moment, I just knew that I would be okay and I just had so much trust that everything will be fine.
Going back to Queenstown five years later with my parents just recently made me feel like I had a full circle. I don’t regret anything that had ever happened in my life.
Alhamdulillah, I look back and I understood why things turned out the way they did. If I had not made the decision I would have not gone to Waikato University. I would have not met the people that I was supposed to have met. I would have not fallen in love. I would have not competed in Miss Universe New Zealand. I would have not travelled to the places I have been to. I would have not experienced or felt the unique things I did. And I definitely would not be the woman I am today.
There is wisdom in everything that has happened. His plans are so much better than the one we have. His timing is perfect timing. Every moment has led you to this point. We may not be aware of it in the present moment but in due time we will. Keep the faith and trust the process.
But if there is one advice that I could give anyone when making a decision, it would be to pray, especially istikhara. I prayed istikhara before I went to Queenstown. And when I got back to Dunedin, I was exceptionally withdrawn from my papers and I was accepted to study the things I always wanted to study at a new university. Everything was made so easy and everything fell into place. To me, istikhara is a powerful and beautiful prayer because you are asking God to guide to the right direction which ultimately leads you closer to Him.
The istikhara prayer:
اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُكَ بِعِلْمِكَ وَأَسْتَقْدِرُكَ بِقُدْرَتِكَ وَأَسْأَلُكَ مِنْ فَضْلِكَ الْعَظِيمِ فَإِنَّكَ تَقْدِرُ وَلَا أَقْدِرُ وَتَعْلَمُ وَلَا أَعْلَمُ وَأَنْتَ عَلَّامُ الْغُيُوبِ اللَّهُمَّ إِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ خَيْرٌ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي فَاقْدُرْهُ لِي وَيَسِّرْهُ لِي ثُمَّ بَارِكْ لِي فِيهِ وَإِنْ كُنْتَ تَعْلَمُ أَنَّ هَذَا الْأَمْرَ
شَرٌّ لِي فِي دِينِي وَمَعَاشِي وَعَاقِبَةِ أَمْرِي فَاصْرِفْهُ عَنِّي وَاصْرِفْنِي عَنْهُ وَاقْدُرْ لِي الْخَيْرَ حَيْثُ كَانَ ثُمَّ أَرْضِنِي
O Allah, verily I seek the better [of either choice] from You, by Your knowledge, and I seek ability from You, by Your power, and I ask You from Your immense bounty. For indeed You have power, and I am powerless; You have the knowledge and I know not; You are the Knower of the unseen realms. O Allah, if You know that this matter is good for me with regard to my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair then decree it for me, facilitate it for me, and grant me blessings in it. And if You know that this matter is not good for me with regard to my religion, my livelihood and the end of my affair then turn it away from me and me from it; and decree for me better than it, wherever it may be, and make me content with it.
To end this blog, I have also included a poem about trust (tawakkul) which I wrote while I was making the decision to go back home to the Waikato. Alhamdulillah, it was also published in the Otago University Literacy Society Press (The Scribbler, 2016).
Twilight Tawakkul
numb are the tips of my fingers,
from holding onto a piece of thread,
on a night of eerie chills.
silence smothers over me and it
suffocates
every beautiful thought I have ever thought
and born are all the ifs and could have been.
fire ignites
with every inhale of my regrets,
so I ask for forgiveness and cough out the ashes;
as they irritated my heart
and it was itching for mercy.
a plead,
a prayer,
a scream from the heart;
please give me strength as I am too weak.
dew now settles on the ends of my eyelashes
but as I bury my innocence deeper
and deeper,
feathers soak my twilight tawakkul
and I drift towards the horizon.